twenty-three candles

It's currently 12:28 AM June 6th and I'm sitting in a horribly decorated guest room in my mother's home in the loveliest little town Horn Lake, Mississippi. I'm pissed. I'm upset. I'm being a complete brat but I'm pissed. I'm fucking 23. And I have tears rolling down my face because I'm in a horribly decorated guest room in my mother's home in fucking Horn Lake, Mississippi. Yes I'm alive, I got to see another year. Hooray! I should be out with all my super cool friends shaking my ass off beat because I'm turning 23. Not 54 but 23. I'm pissed. I'm just confused like very confused as to how this happened. How did I become this person that has ABSOLUTELY NO FRIENDS. Like what??? Not even one person to hang out with me besides my mother.

I was honestly so angry. I felt like I've recently put everyone else's wants ahead of mine just to be an after thought. Could be my non existent period but I'm not going to dismiss my feelings based off of that. I have a total of 3 friends. Das it. One had prior plans to visit her boyfriend's family, one decided she wanted to go to Chicago the same day, and the other has yet to wish me a Happy Birthday.

Although my birthday didn't go exactly how I planned I honestly had the best day sitting on the couch with my mom. We talked for hours and I don't remember the last time we actually had a meaningful conversation. My mom told me a story of my grandma and how she was 23 with three children scared for her life running from her husband. She hid on the floor of a grey hound bus fleeing Paducah, Kentucky and didn't come off the floor until she knew she was across the Mississippi River and in Ohio. It was weird because even though I had felt like an after thought this entire day hearing these stories reminded me that I have always been the main though tin the eyes of the women who raised and love me. It was comforting to hear the courageous stories of my Grandma and my mom's life. It was equally interesting to know that they had actual lives before I existed (weird right??) Either way I learned a very good lesson and I've vowed to not let my anger or negative energy dictate the entirety of my 23rd year of life.
Plus I'll be sure to make plans in advance to shake my ass for my 24th with or without friends.

XO,
Alliyah