Blogging has become so therapeutic for me. It's created a space whereas I write I give myself a true chance to feel, which then allows me to reflect and it feels so good. In the short few months that Alliyah and I have had this blog, I have been able to acknowledge the place I am at in life, taking moments to access and process. Life goes so fast y'all. I will be 28 in a few days and that's only 2 years away from 30 and woahhhh I was just 16 like yesterday, so how? As I get further away from 20 and closer to 30 life just seems to be clicking, things just seem to all be falling right into place all of my struggles and terrible financial decisions from my young adulthood are no longer affecting me, My family is beautiful, my mom is healthy, my siblings are still the greatest gift my daddy ever gave me, life is so good, and it hasn't felt this good in a long time. All around everything is right. I know things can change in the drop of a hat because that's also just how life goes, but I'm riding this wave. I am enjoying this space so much and grateful for the awareness that feeling your feelings grants me. Because of that awareness in the last week, I have been able to acknowledge something was not right with me. We all stress or have bad days things throw us off from time to time, but letting that feeling pass doesn't work for me anymore. Feeling what's going on and accessing and processing, fixing or removing whatever set me off in the first place has helped profoundly in my self-discovery process.
So back to my week of not feeling like myself. I couldn't put my finger on it but I was just feeling sort of funky, I had a busy week so I didn't really get a minute to just breathe until Sunday night after both the big baby and little baby were asleep. I was sitting in the living room in the dark and just thinking, what do I want to happen next(huge emphasis on I). For most people, 30 begins the next milestone chapter but for me, I feel like it is 28. Trying to pinpoint what exactly it is I want to achieve in the next chapter, mentally establishing goals, made me feel anxious. I realized I have no idea what I truly want. My passions or what drives me is incredibly unclear. I felt for a long time I had a plan, I wanted to live a certain lifestyle, I knew what it took to achieve that lifestyle, and I was going to make that happen. I was going to live my dreams and that is exactly what 19, 20, 21-year-old Jasmine did. Somewhere in those years, I started rooting for everyone else's dreams. I became the behind the scenes person. I spent a lot of time cheering on Darnell and celebrating his success that I stopped pouring into my own. I watched as my younger brothers and sister graduated college and began to live their lives cheering them on from the sidelines. I played coy and unbothered, feeling my time for those things had passed. I am not assigning blame to anyone for their achievements. I am crazy stupid proud of them and my feelings are exactly that, mine. I am however blaming myself for believing that success has a time limit on it. I blame myself for falling victim to the comments of you're 25 now, it's too late to go back to school, or there is only one path to success and it's through higher education. I let that beat me down y'all. I blame myself for celebrating others victories but never allowing myself to celebrate my own. Do not get me started on the Darnell takes care of me bullshit. To be clear I have my own have always had my own and will continue to have my own, but in the event that Darnell does/ is taking care of me, WELL DUHHHH! All of that to say, I let a lot of outside influences do exactly that, influence me. I spent a lot of time putting others before myself throughout my twenties. I forgot about my dreams and what I am passionate about. I let opinions that didn't matter allow me to second guess what I was trying to achieve. I let people I truly love put me in super unhealthy spaces and I vow to never allow that again.
28 ( a quick google search)-the angel number 28 is telling you to use all your intelligence in order to accomplish all of your desires in life.
I truly believe in the universe giving you signs and of course a higher power, I don't believe I have come to this point in my life at this particular time by mistake. My 28th year is going to be a special one. I am so clear on my intentions and goals I have set. I am no longer being a financial disaster. I feel purposeful with my actions and solid in what I want to achieve. I have the best group of people supporting me and cheering me on. I don't regret a single thing, NOT ONE, that it took to get me here. I am still rooting for all my people and cheering them on, but not at the expense of myself. I vow to find what I am passionate about again and go after it fiercely and wholeheartedly. Cheers to getting older & wiser!
28 I'M COMING FOR YOU!
XO,
Jasmine
No comments
Post a Comment