Since having Kamryn, I find myself constantly trying to redefine who I am. Am I mommy or am I, Jasmine? Are they the same or something different? Being a first-time mommy is such a venture of self-discovery, I truly do not know what to expect next, it is all so new to me and I desperately don't want to screw it up. I have always known I wanted children, I love kids and I knew being a mommy was something I would be good at. My daughter is my entire world. Since the day she was born, I have spent less than 10 days away from her. Being her mommy has consumed me, and that's something I didn't want. I have never wanted to be 'just a mommy', and I don't mean that in a snide way the title of mommy is a weighted one, I just mean I wanted to be mommy & Jasmine, not just mommy. I crave the days of freedom and irresponsibility. The ability to go and not plan. The ease of dating my man before we had a baby. Somewhere along this journey, I forgot about being Jasmine. I forgot how important it was for me to keep my own identity while trying to learn this new one. Am I selfish? She deserves all of me, but once I'm done giving all of me to her there is none left for me to give to me. Her daddy is still living, all my friends they too are still living and me I feel stuck. Don't get me wrong I love my baby, my goodness do I love her, but I love Jasmine too a lot and I miss her. I got so wrapped up in being this perfect mommy, and believe me perfection is not the goal, who I was trying to be was getting left behind. Being a mom is so hard yall. I feel like I had to mourn prebaby Jasmine. I feel like I had to come to terms with the fact that, I will never be who I was before Kamryn, and I'm finally okay with that. The process to get here though was hard. Kamryn just turned a year a month ago and we have finished breastfeeding, my body is finally doing its last little bit of healing and hormone regulating. I had no idea at the time that this would happen, but it explains why I have been a bat shit crazy emotional mess. As Kamryn got older I started to realize how hard I had been "mommin" and how little time I was spending on myself or doing anything just for me. I didn't really think about it when she was little, but as she has gotten more independent and needing me a little less, I'm so much more aware of my need for a separate space. These feelings made me feel guilty for wanting to take time away. My compromise was to try and fit "me time" into our regular routine. Not taking away time from her but adding in things for me, and that was an epic fail. Kamryn is an easy baby, she's happy most of the time a first-time mom's dream, but she still is a baby and has her moments. I picked a day that she and I would go to the mall and shop for just me, I'm a scheduler, so I picked about an hr before her nap time to go so she would be tired, enjoy the stroller ride, and maybe fall asleep. There is something about babies that they know when you are trying to do something for yourself that they just screw it all up for you on purpose. We went to the mall and Kamryn all of sudden hates the stroller, it is like I stuck her in some sort of death trap and she was going to be eaten alive. I tried to suck it up and enjoy the mall trip but it was a disaster. I ended up buying nothing and spending the rest of the time at the mall in the kid play area. I tried to incorporate "me time" into our daily routine several more times until I realized it just wasn't fulfilling the need I had for my own space. I gave up on it for a while and tried to just stay busy and distracted. Staying busy did not fix my issue it only lessened the feeling until I couldn't shake it anymore. I woke up one morning going about our regular routine, after making breakfast and putting Kamryn down for her morning nap I showered and got ready for the day. I remember thinking wow I need a pedicure, and that I would finish cleaning up and go. I got ready had my keys and my wallet in my hands walked toward the front door and saw the diaper bag sitting by the door. I lost it! For a brief moment I forgot, I forgot that I couldn't just jump up and walk out of the house whenever I wanted to. That something as simple as getting a pedicure on a whim was not something I could do anymore. I was triggered. I walked back to my room and laid in my bed and cried. I cried because I felt overwhelmed being a mommy, I cried because I felt bad for feeling this way. I cried because I was embarrassed and felt alone. I needed a break! I needed a moment to eat my food alone or eat it before it was cold and gross. I needed a moment to use the restroom without interruption. I needed a moment that was only about me and had nothing to do with Kamryn or anything baby related. I needed more than a moment, and I owed it to myself and Kamryn to take care of me (Jasmine) so that I could be the best mommy for her.
Who Jasmine is post-baby, I am still trying to figure it out. My likes and dislikes haven't changed much. I still love a strong cocktail, art, summer days, and a good day spent shopping at the mall. I love brunch on Sundays, meaningful conversations, and travel. Becoming a mommy has shaped and influenced who I am now and who I am becoming in so many ways. I never thought I would struggle with my identity the way I have but finding the balance was actually very difficult. I got a lot of advice while pregnant and the advice that always resonates the most is "take breaks when needed and do not hesitate to ask for help". In my naivety, I just figured this bit of advice didn't really apply to me until it did. My idea and perception of what being a mommy is, was so over-glamorized and picturesque. I envisioned mommy-daughter outfits, and always looking put together. Friends that swooned over my baby as much as I did. I almost thought of my baby as an added accessory, and surely mommies that need breaks are the ones who have fussy inconsolable babies. Let me tell you that shit is the exception, not the rule! Regardless if you have a baby that cries all night long, is happy go lucky, breastfed/bottle fed, if your a single parent or parenting in a two parent home. Being a mommy is WORK!
I have finally found my balance, I have found what works for us, it is still an evolving process. For Mother's Day, I told her dad I did not want a gift of any kind just to feel special with words. I got to take a trip the weekend of Mother's Day, the first one truly away from my baby. I felt sexy and was noticed. I was not in yoga pants with a mom bun, I wore heels and felt comfortable in my "new body" for the first time since having Kamryn. I believe that as moms we invest so much into our children which is awesome but we must remember one day they will leave us and begin their own lives. I don't want to be 45 or 50 trying to figure out who Jasmine is. If I put the work in now and take the time to love on myself and do things that I truly enjoy I am hands down a way better mom. I have also learned to speak up. When I am feeling overwhelmed with mom duties or just need a couple seconds I have learned to voice that instead of holding it in and half-assing through my responsibilities. Through speaking up I have learned I am not alone. There are days when I think am I truly cut out for this, but when I walk in a room after taking time for myself and that little girl lights up to see me, I AM FULL. No one talks about what it is truly like to be a mommy. The struggles, the immense amount of sacrifice. Needing a break does not make you a bad mommy, taking time to recharge and love on yourself, however, that looks for you. I still struggle sometimes and some days are still tough but I am learning, we are learning together and I know that there is a mama out there who may be struggling to. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! WE GOT THIS.
On this Mother's Day, I am grateful for the journey of motherhood. I am honored to have the privilege to raise this tiny human.
XOXO,
Jasmine
